


If I Can't Love Her

by misskaterinab



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 11:37:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskaterinab/pseuds/misskaterinab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Boy and Girl are in love. Boy leaves girl. Boy tries to return to Girl after 5 years. Girl is having none of it. This is what happens when Bella says no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Can't Love Her

**Author's Note:**

> Bella's Lullaby of Broadway One-Shot Contest  
> Title: If I Can't Love Her  
> Pen Name: misskaterinab  
> Song and Show Title for Inspiration Song: If I Can't Love Her from Beauty and the Beast  
> Summary: Boy and Girl are in love. Boy leaves girl. Boy tries to return to Girl after 5 years. Girl is having none of it. This is what happens when Bella says no.  
> Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. The song isn't mine. The musical isn't mine. However, any M rated items ARE mine, he he he.  
> Word Count: 3,500  
> Contest rules and entry information can be found at: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2110026/
> 
> OH! And I got third place! :)

 

If I Can't Love Her

from the Broadway production of Beauty and the Beast

And in my twisted face  
There's not the slightest trace  
Of anything that even hints at kindness  
And from my tortured shape  
No comfort, no escape  
I see, but deep within is utter blindness  
Hopeless  
As my dream dies  
As the time flies  
Love a lost illusion  
Helpless  
Unforgiven  
Cold and driven  
To this sad conclusion  
No beauty could move me  
No goodness improve me  
No power on earth, if I can't love her  
No passion could reach me  
No lesson could teach me  
How I could have love her and made her love me too  
If I can't love her, then who?  
Long ago I should have seen  
All the things I could have been  
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward  
No pain could be deeper  
No life could be cheaper  
No point anymore, if I can't love her  
No spirit could win me  
No hope left within me  
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free  
But it's not to be  
If I can't love her  
Let the world be done with me.

 

He stood in the shadows, keeping his eye on the clock above. 11:42am. He leaned against the cold stone wall and shut his eyes. He couldn't sleep, but he could rest. Unfortunately, this allowed for the flood of memories that raced through his head.

" _Edward, this is beautiful! What is this place?"_

" _This is the only place where I can be truly alone. My family doesn't know about it. Well, they probably do, thanks to Alice, but I'm grateful that they pretend to be none the wiser. When you can read everyone's minds, it's nice to be able to visit a place where you're not trying to fight the buzz of the thoughts of everyone all at once."_

" _I see. I'm honored you brought me here. I can see how special this meadow is to you. And it is absolutely amazing. With the flowers in bloom and the canopy of leaves from the trees, I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful."_

" _I have, dear Bella. Every time I look into your eyes, what I see makes this meadow look downright ugly. It pales in comparison to you."_

A young man cloaked in red from head to toe pushed past him in the narrow alley, startling him from his daydream.

"Guardilo!" he snapped.

"Scusilo, signore," mumbled the man, a bit apprehensive of the deathly pale brooding man with the dark shadows under his eyes.

The man picked up his pace, stumbling a bit in his haste to get out of the alley and back into the crowd, away from this strange, angry person.

" _Edward, seeing as how it's my birthday, I should get what I want, right? Will you do something for me?"_

" _Anything, my sweet Bella."_

" _Make love to me."_

" _Promise me you will tell me if I do anything that hurts you. It worries me enough that you will already be in pain from your first time – I don't want to make it worse."_

" _Edward, the only thing you could do to make it worse is not be with me right this moment. I love you. I NEED you. And I trust you."_

_With that, his and her lips joined in a gentle but urgent dance. His cold fingers slipped underneath her blouse and bra. Her nipples pebbled from the chill and with her excitement. They'd never even gone this far before, but he relented and promised to give her everything she wanted for her birthday._

_Her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, but she managed to remove it without yanking any of them off in frustration. She ran her hands all over his firm, muscled chest before she slipped them underneath the waistband of his pants. He gently grasped her hands and pulled them away while he carefully undressed her, then allowed her to finish helping him remove his khakis. They embraced again, and then finished the job by removing each other's undergarments as well. She looked at him, and he looked at her, in a daze, both obviously pleased at what they saw._

" _You're sorta beautiful," she said to him, and he said "You're more than just 'sorta beautiful' – you're exquisite," in return._

_She blushed deep red at the compliment. He took the opportunity to run his hands down her body between her legs. He slowly drew his fingers through her folds, checking to make sure she was ready for him. He was somewhat surprised at the amount of wetness he found. He smiled – he knew that she was nervous, but this told him that despite her apprehension, she really did want this, want him, and that the time was right for them to be together._

" _Bella, dear, are you ready? Are you sure this is what you want?"_

" _Yes Edward. I appreciate you caring about me enough to make sure I'm okay and not just dive right in, but really, I'm fine. I feel like this is the right thing to do right now."_

" _Okay," he said softly, with a smile. "I feel the same way. Be sure to stop me, though, if it gets to be too much."_

" _I will, but I'm sure it won't."_

_He brought his body above hers and lowered himself to her waiting entrance. He pushed slowly but firmly inside her, finding the going a little slow due to his size and her inexperience. He reached her barrier and paused to look in her eyes. She bit her lip as she nodded slightly, urging him to continue. He pressed through it quickly in order to get it over with as soon as possible. When he could go no farther, he stopped to let her get used to the intrusion and to brush away a single tear on her cheek._

" _I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I tried to make it as easy on you as possible," he apologized._

" _It had to happen, Edward. I'm fine...just give me a moment, okay?"_

" _Of course, love."_

_They kissed softly and lovingly until she felt ready for them to continue. She looked deep into his emerald eyes and curled her fingers through his soft bronze hair as he began to move within her._

_Together they made their own beautiful music in the form of sighs, moans, squeaks, and each other's names. He was able to sense that her orgasm was near, as was his own._

" _Come with me, love. Let go, let yourself feel good."_

" _Oh…oh…oh EDWARD….I'm…" she cried as she fell over the edge into her climax._

_He grunted and gave one final thrust as he called out, "Oh god, Bella!" and reached his peak as well._

" _I love you, Edward."_

" _And I you, my love. Plus que ma propre vie. More than my own life."_

_Refusing to disconnect himself from her, he laid lightly on top of her, not enough to crush her, but enough so that they could enjoy the skin-to-skin contact. Though his skin was so much cooler than hers, she didn't mind. She could lay like this with him forever. At that moment, he began planning on how he would make forever with her happen._

He reached the end of that particular memory and checked his watch. 11:48am. Not much longer now. Just 12 more minutes to endure.

_The two went back to his family's home to celebrate her birthday. She wasn't fond of celebrating such occasions, but he managed to convince her that his family was thrilled to have a reason to celebrate birthdays again – it had been over 70 years since any of them had last had a birthday – so she resigned herself to be gracious and cheerful to make her love's family happy._

_They entered the house where his "parents" and "siblings" waited, bearing gifts. She opened his first – it was a CD of him playing the lullaby he had composed for her, as well as other pieces he had written. She knew that, regardless of whatever was in the rest of the boxes, this one would be her favorite. Not only did it come from his heart and the soul he claimed he didn't have, but it also proved that he knew how much it bothered her to have anyone spend money on her. As far as she was concerned, this was the perfect gift._

_She picked up another gift wrapped in thick silvery paper. As she slipped her finger underneath the edge to tear it off the box, it sliced into her finger._

" _Ouch!" she said. "Damn it, why does this stuff always happen to…." Her voice trailed off as she notice the immediate danger of his brother dripping venom and ready to pounce. His impulse control was far less developed than the other, and he was unable to resist the sweet scent of her blood._

" _JASPER NO!" he yelled as he slammed into his brother to keep him away from his beloved. In his haste, she was thrown out of the way into a glass table, cutting her arm to shreds and making the blood situation much, much worse. Jasper struggled and growled and drooled, desperate to get to the warm body that housed the delectable scent, but he was unable – he was dragged from the house by his brothers. His father cleaned and stitched her arm, and then the two went to her home._

" _Bella, I'm so sorry. If I had any idea, there is no way I would have taken you home with me today."_

" _Edward, one thing you have to learn about me is that minor injuries are a daily occurrence for me."_

" _But they're not something that normally get you killed, Bella. I almost had to watch your life be taken from you right before my eyes."_

" _But you didn't. I'm safe now."_

" _No, you're not safe. Everything about you being around my family isn't safe. Because of us, you've almost been killed. TWICE. Because of us, other vampires continue to stalk you. I can't even do something as simple as take you down to the La Push beach because our family isn't welcome on Quileute land."_

" _Why aren't you welcome…?"_

" _That's a story for another time, love. The point is, it's not good for you to be around us."_

_He gave her a hug and a loving kiss and bid her goodnight._

_The next day, he returned to her home and asked her to go for a walk with him._

" _Bella, we're leaving Forks."_

" _But WHY?"_

" _It's time for us to leave. We can only stay in one place for a certain amount of time before people begin to get suspicious of us. It's already hard enough to pass Carlisle off as 30 when we first arrive, but after staying here for 5 or so years, it becomes nearly impossible to believe."_

" _Does this have anything to do with Jasper? Because if it does, we can just stay away from him. I will miss him, and it will probably mean that I'll miss Alice as well, but that's no reason to just up and leave town. Especially without me."_

" _It has nothing to do with Jasper, Bella. It's time for us to go. And we can't take you with us. Charlie would be devastated, and your entire life would be disrupted."_

" _Edward, YOU are my entire life. You don't think my life would be disrupted if you took my entire reason for being away?"_

" _Isabella. Listen to me. You need a chance to have a normal life. Nothing about being with vampires is in any way normal. I do not want you to come with us."_

" _You don't….want me? Look me in the eyes and tell me that directly."_

_He cradled her face in his hands and looked straight into her eyes, which were shiny with unshed tears. "No, I don't."_

" _Oh," she said, her voice wavering. "That changes things, I guess."_

" _I'm leaving now. The rest of the family is already gone. It will be like I never existed, I promise you that. But please, do me a favor. Don't do anything reckless. I'm not the most dangerous thing out there."_

_He kissed her one last time on the forehead and left without another word. She sank to her knees on the damp forest floor, and all went black._

"Look at all those people out there," a voice beside him rumbled. He looked up to find a red-eyed man in a dark cloak watching the streets below. "I'm sure the powers that be are going to have a helluva good meal tonight! It makes my mouth water just thinking about it."

"I bet," he said, "if you're into that sort of thing."

The cloaked man looked at his face. "Yeah, I can see that's not your style. Hope you're not too hungry – the animal population around here isn't real exciting. Farm animals and the like."

He nodded, and the cloaked man continued through the alley to join the crowd.

11:54am.

_5 years later, he had shown up on her doorstep. He had heard from her father's thoughts that while she was still in Forks, she had moved into a house of her own. He noticed two vehicles in the driveway. One was her old Chevy truck, and the other was a newer model Toyota Corolla. "Well, at least she got something safer," he thought. He had always wondered when the Chevy would choke out its last breath of exhaust and refuse to come back to life._

_He stood on her doorstep and hesitated. It was the moment of truth. Should he, or shouldn't he, knock? He figured he had nothing more to lose by trying to see her. He rapped firmly on the door and took a step back, waiting for it to open._

_The door swung open and she stuck her head out of the opening. "Well, if it isn't Edward "I don't want you" Cullen. What the fuck brought your loser ass back to Forks?"_

_He blanched – obviously, this was going to be more difficult than he anticipated._

" _Bella, I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to tell you how much I regret ever leaving you and Forks."_

" _Well, that's just fine and dandy. Will you be continuing to darken my doorstep, or will you be getting the hell out of my sight?"_

" _Please Bella, can't we talk?"_

" _Why would we want to talk? You said you would leave, and it would be like you never existed. Yeah, right, good luck with that. You may have thought you could disappear from my life by just running away with your tail between your legs and stealing my pictures and all of that, but you forgot about one thing – my memories. Your leaving ended up being one massive mind fuck for me. Do you have ANY idea what you DID?"_

" _Bella, I had to go. It wasn't safe for you to be around me anymore."_

" _Wasn't safe? What the fuck do you call leaving me in the hands of Laurent and Victoria?"_

" _Laurent and Victoria came back?"_

" _Yeah, they did. You KNEW they were out there somewhere, and you LEFT me. Totally unprotected. How do you propose I defend myself against sadistic people eating vampires? At least with you guys, I could take some comfort in knowing that I wasn't meant to be on the menu."_

" _What…..what happened with them, Bella?"_

" _Jacob Black and his friends from the rez ended up taking care of them. I'd tell you that they are wolves, and that their natural enemies are vampires, and that they solely exist to kill vampires, but I think you know that already, don't you Edward?"_

_He hung his head in shame. "Yes. I was hoping you would never need to learn that, though."_

" _Well, I did, and thank God for that, because without them, I would have never been here to kick you off my front porch."_

" _Bella, please. Can't you just come out and take a few moments to talk to me?"_

" _About what, Edward? How you made my life a living hell? How I nearly killed myself by starving myself to death, or by overdosing on sleeping pills in the attempts to get the nightmares out of my head?"_

" _Bella, you promised you wouldn't do anything reckless…."_

" _I promised no such thing. You ran off on me before I could say a word. Not that I would have listened to you anyway. You had no right to make any requests of me right after telling me you didn't want me. No right at all."_

_He leaned against one of the porch roof supports and ran his fingers through his hair, something he did when he was under tremendous stress._

" _Bella, I don't have a chance anymore, do I?" he sighed._

" _No, Edward, you don't. You had me and told me you loved me more than your own life, and then the next day you just LEFT. I probably could have forgiven you if you had come back after a couple days or so, but it's been FIVE YEARS, Edward. I know that doesn't mean much to a vampire, but that is a long fucking time for a mere mortal such as myself. You don't deserve forgiveness, least of all from me."_

" _Could you tell me one thing, Bella? Have you moved on? Are you having a happy life? I need to know that you're taken care of."_

" _No you don't. If you had needed to know I was taken care of, you would have ensured it before you left like the coward you are. But I will tell you anyway. My life is far from puppies and rainbows, but I'm doing okay for myself. Do you remember Ben Cheney from Forks High? He used to date Angela Weber? She was killed in a car accident about a year after you left. Because I was her best friend, I spent a lot of time with Ben and the Webers making arrangements for her funeral. We supported each other during our time of grief for Angela, and then we became friends. Within six months of her passing, we discovered that we were really good for each other and we started dating. We married two years ago. And, as you can see," she opened her front door slightly wider, "we're expecting our first child very soon."_

_As much as it pained him to say it, he managed to force out words of congratulations. "That's great, Bella. I remember Ben as being an all around great person. I hope he's treating you like a princess._

_I am glad to see you've moved on. Part of my reasoning for leaving you was so I could give you the chance for a normal life. It looks as though you found just that. But I just wanted to set the record straight about one thing. I lied to you, Bella. There was never a single instance when I didn't want you. Never."_

" _I'll tell you something, Edward. You lied twice. You said it would be like you never existed. You may have taken the gifts you gave me, the photos of us together, and all that, but you didn't get everything. You did leave something behind." Her voice caught as she tried to finish her sentence. "You left behind your child."_

_He gasped, something that vampires don't generally do, but these weren't normal circumstances. A look of anguish covered his face as he dropped to his knees in front of her. He looked up and noticed tears streaming down her face, and she looked heartbroken._

" _Bella, please tell me about our child."_

" _There's nothing to tell, Edward. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was in the hospital for the sleeping pills. By then, there was nothing they could do for the baby, and I miscarried."_

" _How far along were you?"_

" _About two months."_

_He sat on his knees on the porch with his face in his hands, his entire body heaving with dry sobs. If he could have cried actual tears, he would have been drenched._

" _Bella, I don't know what to say other than I am so so sor…."_

" _Don't you DARE say you're sorry again. The time for sorrys was a very, very long time ago. You wanted me to have a normal life? Guess what. It took me a long time, a hell of a LONG fucking time, but when I finally managed to drag myself away from the gates of hell, I was able to move on._

_Now, Edward, I want you to go. I cannot allow this stress on my body any longer. This baby is a miracle child, and I must protect it with everything that I am. Apparently being pregnant with a vampire's child really does a number on your insides, and it was supposed to be impossible for me to conceive again. But somehow I did, and somehow this baby managed to stick around and grow and give me some hope when I thought I had none. So Edward, you need to go. I need to slam the door shut on that chapter on my life and truly work on forgetting you ever existed. Please disappear this time, Edward. I can't handle having you come back again."_

" _Thank you for talking to me, Bella. I wish for you and your family a long and happy life. Goodbye, Bella."_

_She had already gone back inside and shut the door, but she knew that he could still hear her, thanks to his heightened vampire senses. "Goodbye, Edward," she choked out as tears ran down her face._

_He returned to his car, and as he drove off, he knew what he had to do._

The clock began its twelve chimes, signifying the noon hour. He began unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off. As the clock chimed its final chime, he stepped out into the plaza. The sunbeams seemed to seek out his skin, and festival goers began to gasp and point. He felt an arm around his neck, and suddenly all went dark.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If Babelfish is correct, then "Guardilo!" should mean Watch it! and "Scusilo, signore" should mean, Sorry, sir. Obviously, we are talking Italian here. Don't hate me – I don't like writing Suicidalward, but my song choice kind of makes that necessary. Maybe I'll do another Smartassward – now HE makes me smile and laugh at my own dirty comments.
> 
> Oh, and apologies to Angela for stealing Ben from her for Bella, but quite honestly, he's the only non-main character guy that doesn't make me want to heave or isn't a total weenie or anything like that.


End file.
